it's awful shitty liking somebody, awful shitty indeed. don't get me wrong, for a few weeks when the love is flowing strong and hard between you, the mere mention of your girl will send shivers pulsing through your body, and an anticipatory flutter through your stomach. yeah, i dig that, i dig it hard and long, and it makes me feel good, but instead of all of that fluttery, shivery shit, you don't necessarily get the same satisfaction weeks and weeks after the thought of your girl gives you some benign feeling. it's almost a lethargic feeling, and you know it's shitty when it gets to that point, time to talk, to sort thinks out, make sure everyone is on the same page here. because there's nothing like being with somebody, nothing at all, no dead or phish jam can do it justice, not enough boomers or salv in the world can equal the feeling.

the shittiest feeling, for me, right now, is the getting over part. it's hard. i've tried, and i've been failing as of yet. i don't know how my opposite number is faring, but hopefully better than me. i'm too scared to ask. i want to make sure we are both still mad for each other, but i can't bear the thought of losing her again. so inside, i cling to the vain desperation that from somewhere inside, deep and swollen, is our love for each other still hanging out, unable to be quelled by the petty differences we share, the sex, the time spent apart, and the sadness it brings me whenever i think about how she isn't a part of my life anymore. when someone affects you, when someone gives you another direction, when someone helps you quit the potheading lifestyle, you tend to remember them, you tend to care an immense amount for them. i don't care if she has changed, i feel i need her more than ever, my life isn't as fun, the road that i'm on doesn't seem as clear, and every accomplishment shallow. she may still care, she may not, and if it's the latter, she's not the one for me, if it's the former, i'll be with her in spirit until we feel we need an end. but right now, i am honestly stuck in between two points on the map, one leading away, one leading back home, and all sorts of people can't comprehend me turning home, but fuck them, they don't understand. they don't realize how important this person is to you. so want to sit around and wait for her to come to you again, and emanate out of the clouds right in front of your face, but it's not in the cards, you feel. now what are you supposed to do? do you return home or do you move your things and find another home to reside for a while? what if this home just fits, and the thought of her smile brings you back to all those car trips across town to the fields to play soccer with your two friends, and hoping that she was thinking about you, all the way playing all of those songs that jerry and robert wrote all those years ago, and when you do the same with two other friends who have gone on many adventures with you, it still feels the same, the same anticipation you get when you roll down city streets, hoping that maybe she is just there, hanging out, driving with no particular destination in mind. hopefully she is there. but she never is, which makes seeing her so wonderful. she'll be a part of you for too long, you concede, too long into your future will you wonder. you don't care about all of the existential bullshit, the shit's she done to you in the past, the fact that she'd ended possibly the most important thing you could've had with a girl. you remember that night in october when she wrote "i miss you" big and black and you stopped thinking for a moment, and realized you had her back. you need her to do that to you. you need her to send you the same life preserver you sent her. you need her. you forget that, just to remember how good it is for those two weeks when it's just you and her talking and looking at each other, both knowing that the only other thing to do on a night like that is sit patiently and quietly as 10:36 come's rolling in.