10 years ago you went away...

10 years ago you went away
never allowing me to say
how i much i love your little smile
that's on your face for just a while
as a slick groove emenates from you fingers
and the reverberations of it lingers
long into the night
exhausted with love and happiness.


10 years ago, when the world I knew was nothing more than a 10 mile radius surrounding my house, and the multisyllabic words I knew could be counted on my digits, my idea of loss, my idea of sadness and my idea of grief were born. That day, like so many of my friends, I lost something. The spirit encapsulated in a man was gone forever, leaving all of us who knew him empty, wide-eyed and sad. His words were gone, his songs never to be sung by him, his guitar left to gather dust in some museum somewhere. On August 9th, 1995, Jerome John Garcia left the world, and it hasn't been the same since. At least for me. And I was only eight.

They used to play old Grateful Dead shows on PBS during the summer time, old forgotten shows, like the Field Trip, the shows beneath the Pyramids, the closing of Winterland and an assorted collection of songs and sets from Hartford, Providence, Rochester, and Buffalo during the 1980's, with Brent thrilling us from the boards. And when I watched them, Bob and Phil and the Rhythmn Devils and even Brent faded, leaving just Jerry on the stage, just him, singing me songs, singing me stories, the great ones like Jack Straw, Tennesse Jed, and Bertha. He played those for me, and when he sang, something inside me grew, the most imaginative spirit, a rambunciousness I never thought possible, had developed. And I loved it. From 1993 to 1995, they were on the TV, and I would sit and watch as Jerry's voice spilled from his mouth in the most mellifluous of manners, permeating every single aspect of who I was to come.

He was there for me, so I decided he would be a good friend, like another dad. Then one day, he was gone, and my dad's friend called from Washington state crying that Jerry had died. And I asked why he was crying and my dad said Jerry died. And then something hit me. The man who I'd been watching on TV was gone, and I was never to feel as happy as when I was listening to him play music, just for me, as the summer's sinking sun cast unfortunate glare on the television and my vision of his was skewed momentarily. But he'd always come back into focus, but not today. Today, Jerry left, and the feelings of loss I've experienced from that moment on are deeply rooted in that feeling on August 9th: the lump in the throat, the dizziness, the shock, the anger, the denial, the realization that life will never feel the same. They all stuck with me to this very day. Ten years ago today, Jerry didn't just die, he left a legacy which will never be fullfilled, he left hearts to be forever empty, like mine, never completely full no matter what or who fills them in the future.

Jerry taught me a lot. He taught me that if something wasn't fun, don't do it. He taught me that the most important things in life were personal happiness and peace within. And you shouldn't compromise that. He taught be about love, he taught me about dealing with tragedy, and he taught me about friendship. He taught me the most important lessons that a person can learn, just by watching him play his guitar and sing his songs, and smile when he did something right. That too. He also taught me to smile when I do something right. And I'm forever grateful for everything he taught me. I'm forever grateful for the time I have spent and continue to spend listening to the Grateful Dead, for when the going gets rough and the shit is hitting the fan at a pretty substantial rate, I rely on them for a day worth living, a smile and a definite good time. I can't imagine life without them, and I owe them everything.

Standing on the moon
Got no cobwebs on my shoe
Standing on the moon
I feel so alone

I see the Gulf of Mexico
As tiny as a tear
The coast of California
Must be somewhere over here
over here

Standing on the moon
I see the battle rage below
Standing on the moon
I see the soldiers come and go

There's a metal flag beside me
Someone planted long ago
Old Glory standing stifly
Crismon, white and indigo
indigo

I see all of Southeast Asia
I can see El Salvador
I hear the cry of children
And the other songs of war

Its like a mighty melody
That rings down from the sky
Standing here upon the moon
I watch it all roll by
all roll by

Standing on the moon
With nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven
But I'd rather be with you

Standing on the moon
I see a shadow on the sun
Standing on the moon
The stars go fading one by one

I hear a cry of victory
Another of defeat
A snatch of age-old lullaby
Down some forgotten street

Standing on the moon
Where talk is cheap and vision true
Standing on the moon
But I would rather be with you

Somewhere in San Francisco
On a back porch in July
Just looking up at heaven
At this crescent in the sky

Standing on the moon
With nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven
But I'd rather be with you
A lovely view of heaven
But I'd rather be with you.


Thanks Jerry from the bottom of my heart, for if nothing else, that last line that you loved so much, that helped us all through this tragedy, and keeps us going day after day. We love you and we miss you and we'll never, ever forget you. Sleep well until we see you again.